have you ever wonder [if you're the type of person who always late for most of things] ... how you got trapped in that situation?
 
- i do!!! and now, i'm super duper late for church!!!!!!

hmm ok. so today's my birthday. i'm turning 21 today. born with this name indira dhian saraswaty doesn't made me any different with the other girls that was born on the same day. but i suppose the way i make decisions in life make me different with the others, spesifically unique to others. i might have so many remorse for my past actions, or feeling proud for what i did and still doing until now. so many pros and cons that i've been faced all along my life, and whatever chances i've got, i really try to use it wisely.
 
sometimes i always see the fact and not the truth, when the truth can actually set me free. in other times i got trapped in a turbulance of emotions that i cant see the real deal in front of me. i got so wasted sometimes, but that restoring love always comes on time.
 
for every wrong decisions and every right ones, i feel blessed and overwhelmed by it. remembering that there's a God out there who's watching over me, and held me with His mighty right hand that brings nothing but comforts and victory, surely make me strong enough to face what i'm facing today.
 
a number of friends had sms me, and i'm so happy that most of them are the ones that i thought won't remember. even jedi was the one who congrats me by phone first, after that marisa. still try to feel not to overjoyed about it, kinda scared... :p
 
got scared on my birthday, don't that seem weird!

ok, i've read my guestbook. i could see that sarah from australia [if i'm not mistaken], had read my blog, and found it pretty interesting until she read about the jerusalem part. first of all, i'm not a person who blocked my mind into wheather this country is a terrorist or not. i also not the kind of person who presume other countries to be the terrorist.
 
i blessed the israelites, not because of the reason they're a terrorist or not, not because the fact that they stole palestinian's land, or because they keep on having wars with other nations. we all admit the fact that they're so so ... umm well unbelievably twisted in their minds and thoughts. But still, the bible boldly declare that no matter what happens, they're still God's chosen nation. whoever curse them will be cursed, and whoever bless them will be blessed. so all i did, was simply do what the scriptures tell me to do. and nothing more. about them being a terrorist or not, i'll let God decide and take action on them.
 
so if one day, some of you will read postings concerning jerusalem and my opinion on them, please understand my choices. hehehehe ...
 

btw, i just realize that there are people out there who read this silly ramblings of mine. and most of them found my blog from a search in google. wow ... even if you dont leave a mark on my guestbook or guestmap, thanks for stopping by!

 

2 websites that i'm visiting this moment is very informative, and somehow quench my thirst a little bit. maybe some of you guys wanna take a look at it. the first one is:

:: Imago :: The School of Modern Advertising

it's mainly about this advertising school which gives you more than just basic or advanced knowledge of advertising, it covers up account management [marketing], marketing management [branding], and also creative management [corporate relation - public relations].
 
the second one is:

SemutApi Colony

it does the brand communication marketing. after reading Danny Wirianto's writings on Creative Circle Indonesia, i really start to fall in love with this field.

i'm having a wonderful time at puncak the other day. i went with andini-dhani, nadia, nimas, maggie, and arga-jaja. we played, talked, took pictures, and got drunk together. we had so many things in store in our memories when we headed back to jakarta. those were wonderful moments to share.
 
but on my way home, i realized that i've been making so many mistakes. it all started with a stupid sms that i sent on the day i was drunk. the worst thing happend on the second day, when i was absolutely drunk, and in the morning i called jedi on someone else's name. that was the biggest mistake ever!!!
 
sigh

my life, has never been this weird. i get into a position that i thought i'm aiming to the right target, but what actually happens is other's target, started to get my aims... sounds pretty confusing, isn't it. but well that's the way things been going on in this past few days.
 
i know that something seems not in its place, but the truth is, i dont pay much attention about it. i suppose this attitute make me more relax in facing them.
 
this is just so silly!

i woke up this morning, hearing one of my relatives, one of my grand parents, yelled at my mom. he sweared all his way to the front of our house. later on, i was online on msn. met marisa, and he told me that jedi is going to lombok and bali. if that's not enough, i still have to watch over my house. in case some of my other darn relatives come by and start to entering the house violently.
 
i feel depressed, i feel angry, i feel sad, i feel betrayed, i feel bitter, i feel disappointed, i feel so damn lonely.
 
i told marisa, that she can slap me right on my face the next time i ever talk about jedi, or even mentioning his name again. it's too hard to bear, and i dont want to be a foolish to bear it alone again. what he did to me, was not an act of faithfulness to his girlfriend. after a lot of thinking and tearing my naive mind, i finally have the courage to say that what he felt for me is not love, it's lust. and i feel dirty, ashame, and unworthy because of that. i am not born to be humiliated by the one i love, by the one that i thought he love me.
 
in the end, the truth is that he doesn't care for me that much. everything was a lie, and i've been living in one for such a long time. it's eating me alive, and i had enough with it.
 
most of the people i know defending him so much. so ... today, this morning, i cried. i want to laugh at my problems, but i cry instead. so much for being a tough person. it looks like everything i've got is fading away. everything is not as they may seem. it's all a lie.
 
everything is a lie.

singin' Someday We'll Know by New Radicals, out loud in my heart.

the strangest thing strikes me. i was only reading a book, about graphic design. and suddenly, it came across my mind, this thinking that has nothing to do with what i'm reading. i never give a thought about this, and i always think that for this event, i'm still too young. but, until now, as i'm writing it, i keep on thinking. i'm thinking about this ...



that's right.. in my young age, suddenly i'm thinking about marriage!! i'm so paranoid with this! i mean ... this is me! i never even think about it! phew!! there's something wrong with me today ...

met prima online today, and realized how God blesses me with people that i'm not actually close with. he told me to be just calm about my thoughts. it will come by pretty often, so i shouldn't worry too much about it.

i know my future is in good hands.. in fact in the best hand.
Thank You Lord.

i feel lost. i cant really tell which or where i am standing on this moment. i feel like running away, yet ... i've been in a more compicated situation. i finally got out then, so this clear and present danger thing will turn out just fine. i hope!!

we always need some optimism sound in ourselves, right?! i guess it wont do me any harm. i need to take some time off this certain people, for a while. 'till i found my rythem back. i miss the golden girls. we're definitely not as old as the original Golden Girls, but our friendship is golden. just like an old wine, it gets better through time.

i hate what happened today. i feel so ... unspecial

i'm just wondering, and dont get me all wrong. i was wondering ... if relationship is a two way course, where you should be able to share almost everything with your partner, good or bad ... then why dont they share the same pain when they broke up? those painful and unbearable collapse of failing hearts. why dont they? why dont we? is it because they are no longer together?

i talked to marisa today, and discussed why us girls cant have the equal portion of feelings like guys. i mean why cant we have 50-50. that way, being heart broken wont be that depressive anymore. cause our brains still got some control over our feelings. that will make things easier for us, girls. pfftt ... i wish.

"Your type is the Artiste"

Creative. Sensitive. A bit offbeat. Your type is the Artiste, a unique guywho knows how to express himself in many ways, whether it's through words,music, or attire. You're attracted to his unconventional ways and hisremarkable talents. He doesn't feel compelled to abide by society's norms.He believes that individuality is the key to happiness, and everything hedoes is a reflection of his "inner self." You fall head-over-heels for suchconfidence and style. Whether he's playing a song he wrote for just you orwriting you a love letter, this guy knows how to make you feel special. He'sin touch with his feminine side and doesn't need to assert his masculinityto feel manly. If we were to paint a picture of your future, the Artistewould definitely be part of it!

Ok fine, I admit it. I finally told him how I feel, and he said that if only he hasn't got into a messy life like he has now. he might already told me his feelings. darn it! i didnt expect much, really. just wanna try this foolish thing to make him produce a small smile. i mean, at that time, he sounds like he was so wasted. i know i'm pretty stupid to jeopardizing my own pride, but oh well, i thought at that moment, that pride got nothing to do with an intention to make a person smile.

arghhh, then after that things got a little bit weird. i started to feel sad, and foolish. confused and proud at the same time. oh dear heart, please dont fail me know. courage dont desert me. i need all the toughness i can get, all the boldness, and all the ready-to-get-hurt mentality. so akward how you can prepare yourself to get hurt, even long before you might be. precautious doesnt work, doing what it right at that point of time, is the one that wont make you regret. i guess nobody will ever understand what i'm writing here. more over with the pink text that i haven't change. just cant find that right tag!!

i hate being courted with unsincerely motives, btw...

I dont know what my feelings are right now. I'm lost, so lost. Phew!!! There's a whole jumbled and clashing thoughts on my mind, and I just cant sort it out, or even differentiate it. Ughh so caught up. Dear God, can You make it easier for me?

Finally able to speak out what I had in mind for a couple of days back, and the result is kinda ... ummm [darn! I dont even know what I expect!!]. I do know one thing, I just need someone to turn over to, a cozy couch, the one that can except my sincere feelings, and chase my worries away, who can understands me, respect me, care for me. Someone who can simply make me feel special, once more.

Ugh.. this fax machine is driving me nuts! I do think that girls always want to have a man by their side who they can be proud of when we're walking down the street or something. One who can make you feel secure with your vintage look, no make-up face, casual hair do, and just a simple smile to get along with. How I miss those feelings ...

At this point of time, I do think that I ask too much for myself. But is it wrong to have faith on something that aren't even yours, yet? I dont know why I can believe in someone too much. I believe there's a good thing in everybody. I really do. But if it's not meant to happen, then it wont happen. Right? Or I say this just to justify my worries and fear? I really want to be happy again.

Finished watching 'How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days' again. how my brain and heart got receptive by the movie really surprised me.

Got back from a quick tour around the city, just to bought extra cheese pizza and starbucks' extra caramel macchiato. We bought those on large and tall size, and now I consume it like a mad girl!! Oh .. Yeah, don't forget the Coke. You just can't leave the Coke out of this. coke's the star. Why? Cause you can match it in with almost every food there is. If the food is poisoned, coke will neutralized it. If coke is a color and your life is a corny one, then coke will tone it down. It works effectively on both sides.

the coffee ... [smelling the aroma]. starbucks, they're building a relationship with the coffee grower. But the coffee itself build relationship with my soul.

Finished watching 'How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days' again. how my brain and heart got receptive by the movie really surprised me.

I can't believe that Frozz and that Swiss chocolate are the only thing I eat today. I mean, I do eat rice, meat, and vegies for lunch, but apparently, those 2 items are the yummiest thing my tongue can taste, they're the ones which are interpretable by my nerves system.

I'm tired of waiting. It's not actually what I'm good at. I prefer to make people wait for me than the other way around. Yes ... It may and does sound selfish. I'm just trying my best not to sound more like a hypocrite.

Being a two-faced person, can really worn you out. But in my point of view, each and every one of us are actually just a simple two-faced people. Who sometimes can't comprehend why bad things can happen to good people, and curse things out randomly. Who often can't decide whether they like vanilla better, or chocolate. They bring into themselves all sorts of double choices to make, where deep down inside, they already have.

In this particular time, I thought I haven't made the right decision. I believe that deep down, I have. I just don't know what are the abilities that I have to let it show.

I'm imagining myself sitting beside a river with peaceful flowing streams, wonderful sunset, and surrounded by wild flowers with all of their beautiful colors. I can sense the smell of sadness so far away, that even my consciousness can't detect it anymore. It's a quite afternoon ... Along the other side of the river, stood this perfect image of another world with all the beauty of life. From the corner of my eye, I see another figure. A big green-swamp crocodile with two flirting eyes. It stands on both feet, waving at me. Add to that, this crocodile actually smile at me. Yup!! That crocodile ... hmm, wait a second, there's something wrong with this imagination of mine. WAIT!!! Did I just say CROCODILE??!! In my beautiful imaginative story? This can't be happening!! My real life is too close and too realistic, too convincing that even in my dreams ... It does the logic itself! By all means, I think I'm now out of my freakin' mind! ARRGGHHHHHHH ...!!!!!

Oh well ... I guess that's all form my 5min daydream. Even I can't actually said it a daydream. Cause it's not a pleasant one, anyway. I think I've made a mistake by giving out all the information an assassin will need to hunt down and kill their victims.

i've been trying real hard to let myself got into so many distractions. just to fool myself away from what i dont want to know. [but when the truth is, i actually do]. i thought it might be the safest thing to secure myself. cant tell whether it's actually working well or not. but somehow i can be sure that when the real thing strikes, i'm gonna be lying on the floor FLAT. dont want that to happen though.

going to andini's house, watching euro 2004, meeting friends, going out with tista, and now.. maybe with ervand also. watch spiderman, take lunch together, take pictures with friends, played cards 'till death do us part... until the itme when i was accused of being crazy at some point. it was fun, it is fun, and it's going to be fun.

sometimes i think that i have so many wonderful things ahead of me, and i'm missing all the fun. i let myself focusing on the wrong point. :/

at this moment on, i cant trust you even more. oh yes! it goes to you! x'(

God is so great!!

Went back and read all of the postings I've made. kinda bit tickled here and there. Some of it are painful, some if it tried to look mysterious but failed :p. Some of it look tremendously overwhelmed with joy, but some of it just trying to hide the real deal.

about this 'question guy', he's not actually the one you're thinking he is. so dont get it all wrong. he might lead you into figuring him this 'guy', when he's really not.

jedi, oh well. guess everybody knows who is is. maybe i need to change his name? nah.. let him be a legend in his own world, in this world of vale.

cozy couch. the best runaway in the whole universe! but lately, it's nowhere to be found. looks like it's taking other jobs by letting unknown personnel of this world take over it's purpose in soothing it's owner. this unauthorized personnel throw away the queen from her own thrown, and leave her only with full humiliation.

friends. their fixed. future friends and old friends, came in the same format, fixed. they will always be there. even if some of them dont, they're still fixed into her life. they are the family that she chooses for herself. a trully lifetime companion. cheers for that!

about *indira dhian? she's just a plain girl, with a plain life, and a plain look. but she's everything but ordinary [taking a phrase from train's song title //ordinary]. you just cant deny her presence.